In our group people know each other's business a lot. It's often the case that when someone's not feeling good about themselves, they'd just as soon other people didn't know. Living this closely together, sometimes you can feel like people know things that you don't want them to know. Yet we've found it tends to turn out better; you actually feel better because it's known.
We have used members of our group to meet with people who are struggling or seem to continue to have a hard time - specific individuals who are more experienced in whatever the problem area is will get together with the people having troubles and talk to them. We are able to get more intimate because of the support of the group and the facilitation of communication by other members of the group.
-- Cindy
I am grateful for my "starter marriage." It was a true learning experience and luckily we have stayed great friends. I learned what not to do, which for me was trying to make a marriage succeed without getting much support from other people. It is still my instinct to hide any troubles with my relationship but now, living a communal life closely with others, hiding out is no longer an option and I have found unexpected benefits in including friends, both in good times and bad.
Somewhere along the way, I became quiet about how I was feeling, not wanting to rock the boat or disturb the facade of "we have it all together." It was just the two of us, living on our own and I felt more separate from him than ever. I am a "put on a happy face" kind of gal, but behind the big smile, I was an unhappy woman, afraid to tell anyone what I was feeling. I was lonely and estranged from everyone, especially the one I loved the most.I had a tumultuous relationship with my first husband, although we loved each other deeply. I really believe that we split because I kept the details of our relationship so private. We loved each other, but anger and resentment built up over time.
For example, recently I had a blowup with my second husband, Michael. It had been one of those days; I could tell I was getting sick and was just annoyed by everything. I got very upset when Michael came home twenty minutes late without bothering to call. I know, I know... twenty minutes seems really petty, but like I said, it'd been one of those days. So we argued and ended up sleeping in separate rooms.
The next day there was no denying that I had a massive head cold. Michael walked into the room and I immediately started barking orders at him. I was distressed about getting sick and felt it was my right that he drop everything, especially his grudge, and take care of me. "I am the one who is sick!" I screamed. (Attractive, right?)
He was still upset from the night before and frankly, I was still angry with him for coming home late. In no time our fighting escalated and was on the verge of violence. Michael stormed out of the room; I buried my head in the pillows.
He went directly to see Alec and Marilyn, friends of ours that have lived in our community for many years and have had a lot of experience successfully navigating intimate relationships. They've helped us many times before, quickly and gracefully getting us to a place where we could talk calmly about what was going on in our relationship.
It was a brave and loving move Michael made, calling in the Cavalry. I, of course, was not in the room to hear their wise words. I was home feeling sorry for myself for being sick and chasing off my best ally. But amazingly, fifteen short minutes after he stormed out of the room, he was back, he was calm, he was happy, and he was offering to run me a bath and make me tea. When he walked in the room, feeling sane and full of love again, I immediately let my guard down and felt like I could surrender to him and the bathtub and the cold. We both knew that we were teammates again, with the common goal of getting me well.
Michael and I often say that we wouldn't have stayed together without our group. Including other people and their viewpoints has been one of the most important ingredients in the success of our intimate partnership.
I am thirty-eight years old and I have spent the last sixteen years in two different intimate relationships. I am just starting to really understand that having true intimacy with my partner doesn't mean not arguing. Arguing can be incredibly intimate, and we all know that making up can be very sweet.
Having a good marriage is what I wanted all my life and I set out early on to find a good partner. I have been blessed with the ability to pick great men but keeping them is a different story. I had no idea how to have an intimate partnership. By the time I graduated from high school, my parents had been through three divorces. What I knew of relationships was that when the going gets rough, you walk away.
But I am sticking this one out, with some help from my friends! The best part is I am not only more intimate with my husband but with everyone I share my life with.